Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Trusting In The Lord With All My Heart

Last weekend was Kent's 28th birthday. On Friday we drove up to Idaho Falls and my sister Katelyn and I got our hair cut...Katelyn cut off 10 inches and donated it to Locks of Love! I got 5 or 6 inches off; fun change. Anyway, we stayed the night in Rexburg with Katelyn and Steve Friday night.
Our before shots
Katelyn, her new doo, and her old ponytail!
Saturday morning (Happy Birthday Kent!), we drove down to Idaho Falls to the LDS Family Services Agency, where we met Julianne and Shawn. Julianne was an expectant mother who found our profile online and contacted us about placing their baby with us. We had been emailing and texting a lot over the past month and decided a face to face meeting would be a great next step. I was very nervous on our way there, but the minute we walked in I felt great! They are both SO cute and SO sweet, and we hit it off right away! Kent asked them to show us some of their Kung Fu, and so they did! It was amazing! We met at the Agency for just over two hours. Kent did some of the Thriller dance and his Aladdin impersonations, Kent and I sang our song ("I Hope You Realize") together, and Kent sang a few of his other songs as well. 
At LDS Family Services with Shawn and Julianne, two amazing people that we have been blessed to meet! We love them now and always.

After our initial meeting, we decided to go to lunch at Red Robin. In total, there were seven of us: Me, Kent, Julianne, Shawn, their friend Savannah, and Katelyn and Steve. I made Kent's birthday cake and after we ate they brought it out for us and sang. Julianne and Shawn were awesome and got Kent a sweet Ninja card and balloons. We had a wonderful time getting to know each other. From there we all went bowling. After that the five of us (minus Katelyn and Steve) went to the Idaho Falls Temple and visited in the Visitor Center. We saw some amazing artwork of the Savior, which was a wonderful and Spiritual experience. We had an amazing time talking about the Gospel and just enjoying the Spirit of the day. It was amazing how right everything felt, and we all felt so at peace, knowing that Heavenly Father had brought us together. On our way home that night, Julianne texted us and said that they would be honored to place their baby with us. By Monday morning, our adoption profile was on firm hold, meaning we had been chosen!
Our birthday group: Kent, me, Katelyn, Steve, Shawn, Julianne, and her friend Savannah.

In honor of working towards becoming a High School Spanish Teacher, Kent's chalkboard cake, complete with a cupcake apple, frosted pencil with chocolate chip tip, Fudgee eraser, marshmallow chalk, and powdered sugar chalk dust!
Us with Kent's "Chalkboard cake"
"Apple?...No thank you...It's good...Okay." hehe
Katelyn and me with our travelling "sisterhood" lucky elephant ring...wishing Lyska was with us! 
Me and Kent with Julianne and Shawn, kindred spirits having a grand old time together!

Tuesday night we got a text from Julianne, so we called her and she was in tears. We talked with her and Shawn until 12:30am, after learning that she had started bleeding and was afraid she might be miscarrying. She had not yet been to the doctor, so we encouraged her to go in as soon as she could. She called me Wednesday mid-afternoon with the news: She had lost the baby. We were all devastated in different ways. Kent and I had from the very beginning decided to mentally and emotionally prepare ourselves for the possibility that something like this could happen. So although we were shocked and sad, we knew that it was just part of Heavenly Father's plan for all of us. We know that we were supposed to meet Julianne and Shawn, and we are so grateful that we were brought together the way we were. We had an amazing day with them on March 12th, and will cherish that day forever. We know that we will find our baby, hopefully soon, and that it truly is in the Lord's hands. We love Julianne and Shawn and know that this was out of any of our control. We think she was probably around 14-16 weeks along. Even though things felt so right with them, we know that these things happen for a reason. So we will continue in faith, adding this experience to the countless of others that we have had during this struggle to grow our family. 

Everyone has trials, and each trial is individually unique and difficult in a very different way. But the lesson is always the same: If we "Trust in the Lord with all (our) hearts, and lean not unto (our) own understanding," "He shall direct (our) paths." I have faith that the Lord is guiding us. It doesn't always make the pain of our struggle with infertility less, but knowing that if we can respond to this very emotional trial with faith, utilizing the power of Christ's Atonement, we will grow and become stronger. It has not been easy. In fact it continues to be a daily emotional and mental challenge for me to face. When we started all this it never crossed my mind that one of my most difficult trials would simply be trying to become a mother. I want to be a mother more than anything else and can't wait for the blessing of raising our children, whom I already love more than words can describe. I have cried so many tears and had so many days where I've just wanted to give up and stay in bed. But whenever I reach the end of my rope, the Tender Mercies of the Lord find a way to bless me in ways I never could have foreseen. I know it will continue to be hard, "If life were easy, it wouldn't be hard." But I am grateful for the lessons I continue to learn and for the strength the Lord is blessing me with daily. I rely on Him in every way. Prayer is my pillar of hope. The scriptures and the Temple, and Priesthood blessings are real and they are there for me and for you. I do not love this trial, but I love the lessons I am learning, and I love the person that Heavenly Father is helping me become. 


Lanette said...

We are so sad to hear about this. We're really sorry, you guys. You're in our thoughts and prayers, and we love you!

GD said...

Oh, I am so sorry for your loss; it is a loss, and it is ok to mourn for what might have been. Know that we mourn with you, and keep you in our prayers. Have you received the April Ensign yet? Ours came today, and on the cover it says "Faith and Infertility, p.24" Seeing this is what prompted me to check your blog today; the Lord is ever mindful of us, and has tender mercies ready for us long before we know we need them. Love you both!

Alana said...

My heart aches for your mother heart.I'm glad you have such a good perspective on it. I hope it makes it that much sweeter when the day does finally come. We'll keep you in our prayers.

Alisa said...

Hi Kayla, my name is Alisa. Kent is a good friend of mine from Boston/BYU. I just checked in to your blog via Natalie's blog. Just wanted to send my love to you two. I'm anxious to hear of your adoption journey.

Jennilyn said...

Kayla, Im so sad to hear about the struggles you are going through with everything. I am going through the same issues and its a very hard and emotiaonally devastating process. I know that you guys will get your prayers answered and you will be the most wonderful parents.